|A poem I found in Mums things|
To come back out from this head space is pretty hard to do. I am now angry and don't want to play at this silly game of life anymore. From what I have seen of death and from what I've read, there is nothing after death. My brother and my mother didn't reunite in each others arms with joy. He wasn't there waiting for her because there is no there, it's just nothing, big dead blank! We all like to think lovely stories about when we die we will meet up with those we loved and hold them again, and will we communicate in subtle ways with those left behind to guide them to be better people. No, it's all just a hopeful fantasy, a way for those of us still living to prepare ourselves mentally for dying, and for those who lost loved ones, to make the passing of the loved one easier on the ones left behind. When we die, when our body stops pumping blood, breathing and pulsing, then that's it. We slowly become cold and hard and our colour seeps out of our skin. We look like frozen zombies, we don't feel human anymore because we aren't. All that is left is a bunch of cells that were once living and have now been shut down. There is no love left there, no kindness, no joy, just a used body. THE END.
|Mummy Aged 4|
So, as I go through everyday, every moment, hoping each will be a little better than the last I realize I'm stuck. I am cynical and angry about life, about what a stupid game it is and that we are all suckered into it for what? To grow up, get jobs, become model citizens, have families, grow old and one day we just die. All we did, all we had was pointless, it meant nothing, we're dead. When I'm dead, I'm not going to care about the nice sheets I had on my bed, or the excellent coffee maker I bought, or my car that I love, or the gas fireplaces that keep the house warm in the winter. Really I'm not going to care and neither is anyone else, so why do all this in the first place? Is it because we feel we have to do something, we have to live civilized lives with all the trappings? We have to be seen in the right clothes with an iPhone (not android or blackberry), with cool boots and drive a cool car. Our kids must go to the best schools and do well in school and achieve, achieve, achieve, for what??? They too will die and what is it all for.
This earth is over populated already, so why are we still able to have children? Why don't we stop birthing for a while, let the populations drop and then when we're back to a more manageable size, we can procreate again but in controlled amounts. I still don't see our purpose, I mean look, even ants and bee's have a purpose. They are born, they collect food to feed the queen, they collect stuff to build the ant nest or bee hive, and then in time they die. However they did not live without a purpose, their purpose is clear, to keep the queen alive so that the bees may continue to live so they can spread the pollen for the flowers. Job well done. Humans, we're born, we're cute for a while, then we cause our parents and possibly teachers and others all kinds of grief, we become workers in the system so we can bring home a paycheque to spend on "things", we drink too much, we commit crimes, we do drugs, we damage others and the earth and the animals and then we die. The good ones, when they die leave others grieving (how kind), and the other die without mention or memory - so really what's the point here?
|Two of the greatest reasons for me to go on living.|
When I think of my own personal hell that I've lived these last 5 months I don't see much purpose in a lot of it anymore. If this cancer doesn't go away completely, or if it comes back within 3 years, which it has a 60+ percent chance it can do so, then I have a difficult decision to make. Having gone through chemo and knowing what "life" it sucks out of you, I'm not willing to do that again. I mean why live if you have no quality of life. However on the flip side, having just lost my Mummy and fully understanding the pain and heartbreak that comes from losing ones Mum, I feel a strong responsibility not to do that to my children. They are too young to lose a mum, it would change their lives forever (I'm sure this year has already done a bit of that to them already), but on top of it all to lose their mother would be too much. So I feel an obligation to fight to stay alive for them, and for Wade and the rest of my family because they love me. However, if it came back, my choice would be to not poison myself again and make my life living hell again. My choice would be to live the last few months as best I can by doing all the things on my bucket list and dying with smiles and memories and loved ones who will remember all the great times we had together. I'm not going to any heaven or beautiful place to run and play with my Mum after this, so I'm not saving any of myself for that. I want to lie there dying knowing that I've managed to take my children back to Africa, my home; that I've managed to take them to Germany to show them all the wonderful places I spent my childhood Christmases. I want to have gone to Disneyland with them, to have gone camping again with them, to have gone snorkelling in the South Pacific with them by my side, to go out for nice family dinners after our day trips and talk like old friends for hours so that I can learn all about them and their lives and their dreams and their wishes. I want to die knowing that I truly knew them and they truly knew me so that when I am nothing but ashes, in their hearts and minds I'll still exist as the mother who said she was Tinkerbell, who raced around the house doing somersaults just for fun, who did crazy things with them and rode all the rides with them and loved them and read to them and cuddled them all the time.
So, although when I'm gone, there will be no second world, or after life for me, I hope I will live on in the hearts and minds of my loved ones, I would want them not to be sad and think of my last few years as being sick and down with cancer treatments, I want them to remember them as being a blast, I want them to remember that we travelled the world together, we ate crazy food together, we saw amazing things together, but mostly we loved and we laughed. That will be my legacy, my gift.
My task to to figure out how to achieve all that :-)
I'm open to suggestions